Kicking & Screaming

Have you ever prayed for God's will, but then when He revealed His will for you, you were convinced that He must be misunderstood because that is not exactly the plan you had in mind?  And, maybe you eventually agreed to it, but you threw a big adult temper tantrum first?  None of you have probably ever reacted that way.  You have probably always reacted with humble & immediate obedience, haven't you?  Well, I would like to be able to say that I've always reacted in a contrite manner, but unfortunately my responses haven't always been so pretty. 

In May of 2006 Mel and I left our full time ministry position to help my uncle & aunt plant a church in Roanoke, TX.  Mel had a full time sales job and worked at the church without pay.  In January of 2009 Mel & I participated in a 21 day fast with our church. During that fast God laid it on our hearts to move back into full-time church ministry. But, we drug our feet for several months because we loved our church, we were living in a home we loved & built just almost 3 years prior, our girls were happy, we loved our school, I had family  and friends nearby, & of course great shopping! 

In March of that year our final nudge into full time ministry came.  I was sitting on the couch with my laptop and had my Gmail chat open.  Mel was at work and I received a message from him that the CEO of the company showed up at their office...it probably wasn't good news.  A few minutes later he sent me another message and said he was packing up his things & was coming home...they were shutting down the entire Fort Worth branch.  I would like to say that I remained in a calm & collected state, but I didn't.  I began to panic & fear began to set in.  I had just taken a look at our bank account moments before and saw how much we had in it, or lack thereof.  I think the first person I called was my uncle and He prayed and gave me Psalm 91 to read as well as many other scriptures.  I calmed down a bit. Mel came home and was his strong, faith filled, collected self...we prayed & realized that maybe this was the final push we were looking for to jump back into full time ministry.  That very next week we had interviews at two churches in Oklahoma.

Our first interview was with a church in Tulsa.  I fell in love with it.  I really liked the Pastor and his wife...we had also lived in Tulsa for 2 1/2 years earlier on in our marriage and it was one of my favorite places that we had lived...I had friends there...it was familiar...it had a Super Target...a Whole Foods, great shopping, etc.  But, they wanted us to be youth pastors, which Mel was not excited about...youth ministry was no longer his heart.  I was convinced we could do it anyways. They said we could start as soon as we could get moved, so, being that I'm the one who handles the finances in our home...I knew how much Mel's severance was,  how much we had in our bank account and how much our bills were (it didn't add up)..so being able to have a job immediately sounded like God's perfect will to me!  Makes logical sense, right?!

Our next stop that week was in Enid, OK.  Well, I had never been to Enid and in just the drive there I had already made up my mind that it couldn't be where God had for us...it was sort of in the middle of nowhere.  The positives were that I liked Pastor Dan & Virginia and the exciting vision they had for the church...and Enid had a Starbucks. Aside from all of that, I knew no one in Enid...it was not comfortable...it was not familiar.  I was certain it wasn't God's will and what really sealed the deal for me was that  they couldn't bring us on till June 1st...2 1/2 months away.  That definitely didn't make financial sense to me. Yep, God was definitely calling us to Tulsa.  But, I saw something different in Mel's eyes and conversation as he talked to Pastor Dan...he lit up...he came alive.  

We came home from Oklahoma and talked about the interviews and what direction God was leading us.  I had really convinced myself that Tulsa was clearly God's will and was doing my best to use my mighty influence as a "woman of God" to convince Mel the same.  Being the amazing man he is...and being the provider that he is...he knew I had some pretty strong fears of losing everything, so he began to veer towards the direction of Tulsa, even though his heart was in Enid.  That evening he decided that the next morning he would give his answer of acceptance to the church in Tulsa, but then an email came from Pastor Dan in Enid...asking Mel what he thought about coming on board at Enid First Assembly.  Mel looked at me and I knew that's where he wanted to go and honestly I knew that was where God was calling us to, but it just did not make sense to me.  I could feel myself getting emotional and angry and fearful and anxious and so many things. On the inside, I was kicking & screaming.  I knew I needed to leave the house for just a little bit to pray and gain composure, so I got in the car and felt impressed to call my friend Wendy.  I knew Wendy would tell me what I needed to hear & not what I wanted to hear.  She said two simple words that changed everything "Trust Mel".  I knew she was right.  Mel was the head of our household & I needed to trust him with the direction God had for our family.  But, I kicked and screamed the whole way home to tell him. :)

I walked through the door and he was in the kitchen doing dishes.  I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said "I'm so sorry...I trust you...wherever you feel like we are supposed to go, I'll go".  Being the sensitive man that he is, he started sobbing. It would've been so much easier if I would've trusted God's will & my husband from the start, but instead I had a really difficult time relinquishing control. I thought I knew better than God...I thought I knew better than my husband.  I wasted so much energy by kicking & screaming to get my way.  But, thankfully God's grace was bigger than my big fit. 

When I finally relinquished control and was obedient...it allowed room for God to be God!  I'd like to tell you that as soon as I obeyed that it was a bed of roses, but it wasn't.  We embarked on a few of the most difficult months of our lives and marriage, but through it I learned to trust in God & exercise my faith like I had never had to before and our marriage gained strength.  The next 5 months launched me into an intimacy with Christ that I'd never had before.  I had to rely on Him for everything...my sanity, my strength, my provision.  God provided in absolutely miraculous ways (which is another blog post waiting to happen).  We've been in Enid for 2 years and I have no doubt it is exactly where God wanted us. It's been an incredible journey so far...we have learned so much & have been able to fulfill dreams that God placed in our minds & hearts.

Maybe you are in a situation right now where you are kicking and screaming...you are fighting against God's will.  Give up control...it's worth it...I promise. Let Him show you how big of a God He really is.  After all, He does know better and has your best interest at heart.

Isaiah 55:8-9 (New International Version, ©2011) 

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Comments

Wendy said…
Wow...was that two years ago??? I remember that day and that conversation. I love you and am so proud of you! I just happened to see this link on facebook and clicked on it...I needed it myself today!!!
Kim Masengale said…
I love you Wendy!! You are a tremendous gift in my life. Time flies, doesn't it?! Praying for you friend!!

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